9 Tips for Helping a Friend in an Unhealthy Relationship

What to Say (and Not Say) When You're Worried About a Friend's Relationship.

It can be hard to know how to talk to a friend who's going through something tough, especially if you're worried about making the situation worse. In honor of October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, WAVE has compiled a few tips for helping a friend. 

Oftentimes, friends are the first ones to notice unhealthy relationship patterns. If you think a friend may be in an unhealthy or even abusive relationship, these nine tips can help you start the conversation in a supportive and caring way.

⚠️ If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call Campus Safety at 610-499-4200 or call 9-1-1.

1. Consider time and place. 

Find a quiet, comfortable space where your friend feels safe to talk, and choose a time when they’re not already stressed or distracted. You can even check in first by asking if it’s a good time to chat — this shows respect for their boundaries and helps them feel more in control.

2. Say what you see. 

Start the conversation by gently mentioning what you've noticed by focusing on recent and fact-driven statements, NOT assumptions. This will allow your friend to feel less defensive and open to talking. Keeping a calm tone shows you are concerned and not judging their situation.

Examples: 

• "Hey, yesterday I noticed your partner was looking through your phone."
• "I saw that you weren't at practice again yesterday."

3. Ask OPEN-ENDED questions. 

After sharing your observation, ask your friend how they feel about the behaviors you observed. Open-ended questions spark conversation and allow your friend express how they truly feel.

Examples: 

• "How did that make you feel?"
• "Does that happen often?"

4. Express care and consistent support. 

Let your friend know that you are there no matter what, and that your goal is to support, not tell them what to do. Many people in abusive relationships are isolated from their friends or family. It may sound simple, but a genuine expression of support can make a huge difference to a person who feels isolated and alone. It's important to offer consistent, ongoing support to your friend in the ways that work for you, even if your friend isn't ready to leave the relationship right away. 

Examples: 

• "I am here for you." 
• "I want you to know that you are not alone."

5. Offer choices and connect to resources. 

Give your friend options and respect their decisions. Remember that your friend knows their situation best. Many people in abusive relationships have had choices taken away from them, so it's important to remind your friend that they’re in control. 

Offer them to confidential resources you trust such as CAPS or the Delaware County Domestic Abuse Project.  If your friend wants seek supportive measures from the university or make a report, offer to help them contact Title IX or Campus Safety. 

Connect your friend to these resources and support whichever option they choose. 

Examples: 

• "Would you want to walk to CAPS with me during their open hours tomorrow?"
• "Do you want to call the Delaware County Domestic Abuse Project Hotline together?"

6. Expect multiple conversations. 

For so many different reasons, leaving abusive relationships or even recognizing them to begin with can be difficult for many. Understand that your friend probably won't be ready to acknowledge what is going on after only one conversation and that it may take multiple, smaller conversations for them to feel comfortable seeking help.

Examples: 

• "You don't have to figure everything out today. We can talk about it whenever you're ready."
•  "I just want you to know that you deserve to feel safe and respected."

7. Support their Safety Plan. 

Ending an abusive relationship can be dangerous. A Safety Plan is a plan for someone to stay safe when leaving (or even remaining in) an abusive relationship. Safety planning is most effectively done with a professional like a counselor from a local organization like Delaware County Domestic Abuse Project, a national organization like Love Is Respect, or a therapist. Connect your friend to these resources and offer to help them enact their safety plan. 

8. Help them remember why they are ending the relationship. 

Many factors are involved in abusive relationships, such as manipulation, control, and social pressures. Because of this, many people end up getting back together with their partners multiple times before the relationship fully ends. It can help to ask your friend to write down why they want to leave the relationship so they can look back later if they need to.

And finally,

9. Recognize your own boundaries and needs. 

Supporting someone in a difficult situation can be emotionally draining, so it is important to take care of yourself too. Remember that you can't be everything for someone. It's okay to set boundaries by taking breaks, seeking outside support, and knowing your limits. By doing this, you are allowing yourself to show up for your friend in a sustainable way.

You can reach out to a local organization like Delaware County Domestic Abuse Project or a national organization like Love Is Respect for support for yourself – these resources are there for loved ones, too.  

Examples: 

• "I really care about you, but I need a little time to rest. I'll check in with you tomorrow" 
• "I want to help, but I think a counselor or someone else trained to help could provide better advice than I know how to right now."

👉 By following these tips, you can start a respectful conversation and support your friend throughout their healing journey. Even small gestures like listening without judgment, checking in, and showing empathy can make a big difference. Remember that you are not alone. You can find a full list of reporting options and on- and off-campus resources on the Title IX page. 

WAVE is always here to offer education, conversation, and community. You can request a workshop, attend an event, or become a student leader! You can also learn more about abusive relationships at Love Is Respect.

Learn more about preventing sexual violence with WAVE

Jamie O'Leary serves as the Associate Director for Violence Prevention Education at Widener University. In her role, she educates students, faculty, and staff on topics such as practicing consent, seeking help, and cultivating healthy relationships. Jamie has played a key role in expanding Widener's sexual violence prevention programs and aims to spread these vital conversations across our campuses.